Acceptance as a Process Cultivating Steadiness
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has considerable overlaps with mindfulness, as it emphasizes “Active, nonjudgmental embracing of experience in the here and now.[1]” The initial focus is observing our thoughts, emotion and language, and there is a move toward transparency with the scope of our experience. It is quite common, if not universal, that we can become aversive or avoidant toward our negative thoughts and feelings.[2] Over time the habit of exclusively turning away from painful experience may ironically lead to a sense of greater heaviness, lower mood as well as rigidity in our manner of thinking and responding.
The well-known saying, “What we resist, persists,” is particularly true of painful emotions. From this vantage point, acceptance represents a turning toward in order to release and make room for a wide range of experiences. Resisting takes effort, and this effort, as well as the holding of negative feelings within, increases the heaviness and rigidity of our experience over time. I like to think of the relationship of acceptance to its root accipere, which is akin to taking what is offered or to “receive, get without effort.” This diminishment of effort is significant psychologically, and even more meaningful over time. Small turns away from our pain over years lead to much greater resistance as a whole. This resistance over time represents a significant effort and energy that might drain our psychological resources. Sometimes without any awareness, we can become very invested in resisting our hurts. Perhaps ideally, acceptance represents a more balanced position: neither avoiding nor indulging negative thoughts and feelings. Openness is vital as a value to help us cultivate our capacity for acceptance. There is wisdom in holding both acceptance and resistance lightly or gently to maximize efficiency and flexibility.
There is often a shadow accompanying acceptance, because we tend to envision a certain amount of finality or closure. Acceptance can easily be co-opted by such a stance, as in, “Phew, I am done with that acceptance!” almost as though we could read a gleeful subtitle to this thought: ‘Now I can go back to being rejecting!.’ From this shadow perspective, once I ‘accept’ something, then the exchange or transaction is complete, as though this is a final stage. This is a subtle act of aggression towards openness to our unfolding experience. Certainly, acceptance comes in degrees and waves, even for the most open and ‘accepting’ among us. Often the desire for completion is motivated by the same forces that initially turn us away from painful feelings. Even when something as incontrovertibly final as death occurs, our experience is often far from complete.
Part of our commitment to living in the present moment requires us to revisit acceptance as an ongoing process. As individuals, we change constantly, as do our relationships and environments. Individually change occurs mentally, physically and spiritually within, as well as outside of our awareness. Given this constant flux, acceptance is quite rooted in present focused awareness, and therefore must be mindfully refreshed in order to keep pace with our daily experience. The unfolding events of the day readily bring up memories, thoughts or feelings about historic events as well as imagined future happenings, and my position relative to these will be a moving target. The idea of acceptance as a process is ultimately freeing, because we can better embrace the flux inherent in our lives. We can accept that our acceptance is not final, rather it is a process that will require tuning, adjusting and adaptation. We acknowledge that this adaptation may not be easy, but we value growth enough to open to the shape of our resistance as well as our acceptance, as both are instructive. Most importantly, we can remember the roots of acceptance in the form of receiving without effort, which implies a move toward gentleness in awareness as foundational to conscious living.
[1] S. Hayes, K. Strosahl & K. Wilson. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, 2nd Ed. NY, Guilford Press.
[2] Pema Chodron. (1991). The Wisdom of No Escape. Boston, Shambala.